“Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.”
-Lisa Alther
*random image of Her Cuteness*
There are things that mothers are forced to say to their children that no sane person ever would. I’m not talking about the stereotypical mommyisms that every mother since the dawn of time has used . You know, like;
Starving kids in Africa would LOVE to eat your broccoli. Close the door - I'm not heating/cooling the neighborhood! Were you raised in a barn? If you cross your eyes, they'll freeze that way. This is going to hurt me a lot more than it will you. . . If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too? You'll put your eye out with that thing!
Not those. In fact, I have yet to say ANY of those. . .
I’m talking about the random and utterly insane things that simply HAVE to be said when one is dealing with small people who really don’t have the faintest inkling of what is going on outside of their tiny peanut brains. Every once in a while I just have to stand back, shake my head, and think:
“Did I really just SAY that?!”
Yeah. . . I did. Totally. And these are just a very few – a very, very few of the insane kinds of things I say everyday to one or another of the many little people that surround me. . .
We do NOT sit on our FRIENDS!
Please don’t lick my water bottle. . .I’ve asked you before.
Well, we don’t scratch our hineys in public…
Don’t pour sand on your friend’s head!
DOGS kiss by licking – that doesn’t mean you should lick them back!
If it has wheels, it isn’t for standing on.
Sorry, hun – you have to keep your panties on.
Sweetie – I know you’re a dinosaur, but the baby doesn’t, and you’re scaring her.
Stop banging your head on the table!
You HAVE to wipe BEFORE you get off the potty… this is NOT up for a debate!
Come here if you want me to pick your wedgie!
Kitties lick their butts because they can’t take baths – it’s gross, don’t try it.
Licking the window does NOT make it cleaner…
I assure you, that kitty wants nothing to do with your play-doh.
STOP ROARING AT THE BABY – I’m NOT going to tell you again!
Don’t sit on the kitty, please. . . No. He is NOT a horse…
You can’t taste the ice-cream flavors by licking the glass on the display case. Plus its gross.
Stop yelling at the dog, she doesn’t even know how to jump rope!
I rescued you the first three times, if you get stuck under there again, you’re on your own.
You’re the very best frog that I’ve ever met in my life.
DO NOT bury your friend, she doesn’t like it.
Little girls don’t eat rawhide.
Why are you digging in your butt!???
If you don’t put your pants on, I’m not taking you to the store.
Fine. Eat the dog-food. It’s cheaper than cereal, and I doubt it’ll kill you.
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Huginn, Muninn, and me 
Sarah Benedict said,
July 16, 2010 at 7:46 am
HAHA LOVE it!
wecki77 said,
July 16, 2010 at 8:39 am
Those are too funny! I can’t think of any of ours to add…yours are too funny for me to think of any others.
Sharon said,
July 16, 2010 at 9:55 am
hahaha I keep thinking I need to start a list too. One recently “no no honey. NO! The banana is too close to the dogs butt.” ahhh love having kids
have you ever checked out… http://mommylingo.blogspot.com/ I think you’ll thoroughly appreciate it 🙂
Kendall said,
July 16, 2010 at 10:55 am
Those are hilarious!! *giggle* I can’t believe some of the things that have come out of my mouth, either. Sigh…I can only imagine what I’ll say when they’re teens!
Kathleen Scott said,
July 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm
First, I LOVE the quote at top. My niece just had her second daughter (the first is a whirlwind two year old) and I believe it’s true, air traffic control would be easier.
I was laughing by the time I finished your list. I babysit the whirlwind every week and usually I don’t do the mommyisms because I’m just Aunt Kat. But a few weeks ago at the park, I said this, “Sienna, WHY did you eat the dog poop?”
Bryna said,
July 16, 2010 at 5:05 pm
OMG, I love it! No seriously. I’m sure I could have a list of my own, but I certainly can’t think of them after reading all of those. HILARIOUS!!!!!!
FooFoo said,
July 16, 2010 at 9:52 pm
T eats dogfood?!! Oh dear! My little one has eaten several mouthfuls of cat crunchies, but your dogfood’s probably a bigger kibble altogether. How alarming. She’d really have to crunch those nuggets. Or was it the canned stuff? Gross.
T licks dogs back??? Now that’s waaay out there, I never heard of that before! Your elder daughter has so much . . . .uh . . . character!! I’m just a little horrified about her licking the dog.
Way too funny to read ‘why are you digging in your butt!???” Great post!!!
Me said,
July 16, 2010 at 10:27 pm
*giggle* Nobody in my house actually EATS dogfood (except for the dogs, of course) but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been attempted on numerous occasions by a wide variety of little ones. And I never said which little one I was speaking to, specifically – I DO care for 5 girls, you know (ALL of whom have dogs) . . .
Seriously though Foof, try not to worry too much, just because I say it doesn’t necessarily mean that I actually let it happen! (and anyway, a little taste of a dog – or her food – never hurt anyone! 😉
Kelli said,
July 16, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Laughing uncontrollably! The things we say! Thanks friend for sharing!
blunt delivery said,
July 17, 2010 at 9:13 am
ugh. well, the whole dog-licking thing HAS to be nipped in the bud. i don’t care about all this ‘but their mouths are cleaner than humans” …. we still don’t lick our ‘hineys’ okay?
and i’m STILL paranoid when walking around with scissors. cus HELLO, i COULD put my eye out with that thing.
Uncle Gabey said,
July 17, 2010 at 11:50 am
heheheheheh… “hiney.”
deb @ talk at the table said,
July 19, 2010 at 10:07 pm
This certainly brought back babysitting memories.
Eyes in the back of your head necessary kind.
Apok said,
July 23, 2010 at 1:11 am
haha i can so pick out which ones were directed at my little ones. also remind me to give you the picture of T’s atomic wedgie.
wecki77 said,
July 26, 2010 at 6:07 am
Ok, one was said last night. Not as funny as yours but still fits the bill.
“Don’t lick the table.”
wecki77 said,
July 26, 2010 at 6:08 am
Oh and “Don’t stab your friend.”